When I was 17…

This whole Anne with an E craze of mine has me thinking about my own teen years a lot and about the boy I was in love with at that age. I fell in love with Jer during junior year when I was 16 and that went on until graduation a year and a half later. It was unrequited as far as I know, although even now when I re-read my diaries I do wonder whether maybe there was a little interest from his side as well after all. I guess I’ll never know. In any case, it never amounted to much. We were thrown together a lot in classes and such (it was a small school) but I never got up the nerve to ask him on a date and although I do remember many looks and small interactions, like for instance him borrowing my pen (like Anne lent Gilbert hers in last week’s episode)…

… he never asked me out either. We certainly never had moments like these…

With some memories flooding back, I decided to go though some of my diaries that I wrote at the time and I found a list of little dreams for the near and further future that I had written when I was at the beginning of senior year. It is filled with teen angst. I was 17 and trying to put Jer out of my head. It was so much fun reading that list and going though the items on it, I just had to also share here!

I went to an international boarding school (got there on a scholarship) in The Netherlands for junior and senior year, while my parents still lived in Germany. I went home every vacation but, effectively speaking, I have not lived with my parents since the age of 16. I loved it there, I loved Jer and I apparently penned this list of little dreams in september 1987:

---

I want to talk to my parents just for the sake of hearing their voices (they’re in East Germany now) – Yes, this was 2 years before the Berlin Wall fell in Germany and while my parents were there I couldn’t speak with them on the phone (which normally happened 2 or 3 times a week)

I want to go back to Israel  – I lived in Israel for the first 10 years of my life and had just been back there again 9 months prior for the first time after I had left. Over the years I have luckily gone back several times, even blogged about one such visit when I was older and married with kids here.

I want Jer to fall in love with me without me necessarily falling in love with him, or would I? – At that time I was trying so hard to not be in love with Jer and at that time was convincing myself that I was succeeding in that mission. I wasn’t. I continued to pine for him for the next 8 months.

I want to be appreciated – I guess I was appreciated in many ways, it’s just hard to feel that people do appreciate you when you are an insecure teenager and your crush doesn’t return your love.

I want Rob to fall in love with me, it would make me feel good. – Rob was a new boy in school, popular, good-looking type and I had caught him looking at me a few times (I so don’t remember this, just read that in my diary!). I had no interest in him whatsoever romantically and I don’t think I ever exchanged more than a few sentences with him but I wanted someone to pine after me the way I was pining after Jer. Guess that ties into the whole being appreciated thing again.

I want to watch Jer in peace and quiet without him noticing. – Oh man, I used to watch the guy all the time!

I want to succesfully stay away from love for a while, it only makes me depressed. I guess at the moment I’m doing pretty well on that subject. – I wasn’t doing well at all.

I want to meet Gregory Peck –  That’s one dream that alas never came true.

I want to be a very good journalist for the school newspaper – I had just started on the newspaper at the beginning of senior year. I ended up being OK.

I want to be able to sing nicely – Nope, never happened.

I want to spend 1000 guilders on anything I want to in one day.  – This was way before the Euro and nope, never happened. Unless booking a vacation counts.

I want to be able to play piano and tap dance – Never learned how to tap dance. Did take piano lessons a few years later but never had the discipline to stick with it. I still have a piano at home, though (which we are now thinking of selling).

I want to finish school without doing much work – I could have done more, but I still worked pretty hard compared to earlier years. I had a scholarship to live up to after all. Graduated pretty well, in the end, which was worth the work I had put into it.

I want a faithful watchdog named Spec (from Spectrum) – Huh? I have no clue anymore what that was about! And what about my lifelong wish to have cats? Why wasn’t that on this list?

I want someone to dedicate the song ‘ Nothing’s going to change my love for you’ to me. (e.g. Jer even though I don’t love him, I just want him to love me) – See? I was still pining even while pretending I was not! And oh my goodness, seriously, that song? I can’t remember ever liking it but I guess I must have to a certain extent if it is included on this list. Yikes.

I want to have a Volkswagon Beetle that I want to name Fred 5 – Actually, I do remember that wish, although I can’t remember why I chose that name. I still have a wish for such a car to this day! Not practical and it’s expensive but even my kids know that if we one day become millionaires, such a car would end up in my posession.

I want to spend at least a year in Rome – This was due to loving the movie Roman Holiday and having visited there twice in my teens. It’s not a particular wish nowadays, although I certainly wouldn’t mind if such an opportunity presented itself.

I want to see a beautiful movie – I have seen many!

I want to read a great book – Yep, have read a few!

I want to go to a David Bowie concert and dance with him on stage while he’s singing ‘China Girl’ – I did the concert a couple of years later! But alas never the dance on stage.

I don’t ever want to be breathtakingly beautiful – beauty doesn’t last – Wasn’t a realistic wish anyway, to be so beautiful.

I don’t ever want to lose my dreams or stop having dreams – Yes, I still do have dreams! They change a bit over the years but I always have dreams and like having them.

I want to be both realistic and romantic,  although not so romantic that I’m blinded from reality – I can still get behind that statement and on the whole think I have an OK balance regarding that.

I always want to have a problem once in a while so I learn properly how to appreciate happiness – Interesting, I’d completely forgotten I ever thought something like that but I can get behind that, even now. The darker parts in life can sometimes help you appreciate the lighter parts more.

I want to sit snugly in a big chair infront of a fireplace talking to the one I love while outside a storm is raging – We have a fireplace and I have sat and chatted there with my love on cold days. So yes, checked that item off my list!

---

I’ve had crushes in my life and went out with a few but I have only ever been head over heels in love twice in my life – the first time with Jer in high school, which is why I guess I can relate so well to the Anne and Gilbert love in Anne with an E and all the terrible confusion surrounding that at that age.

My second big love was Mr Esther. When I met him in class, just like I had met Jer in class, I vowed to not make the same mistake twice and this time I made sure I actually talked to and became friends with the object of my affection. It’s always good to learn from your mistakes. Jer and I were never meant to be but Mr Esther and I were and in hindsight I’m glad that I had had the high school experience to learn from.  I can still feel the angst and confusion and insecurity on almost every page of my teenage diaries.

Gosh, I am glad that I’m not a teen anymore! My poor kids…